Does fate exist in love?

From a young age through fairy tales, we were brought up to believe that there is such thing as fate, destiny and the one when it comes to love. After fairy tales, came the high budget romantic comedy movies from Hollywood, further displaying the fact that there is such a thing in life. I now believe that both sexes are guilty of leaving their love lives to chance. 

As a result of Hollywood movies and the fairy tales we've come to believe that true love is the product of fate. We've all been lead to believe that someday it will just 'happen', that some day fate will drop the person of our dreams right next to us while we're walking down the street. The fate-will-bring-me-love-approach lacks urgency, which leads to lack of action. We all assume that 'when the time is right' the right guy will come along, and in the meantime, we focus on our work, ambitions, our families, our friends, our hobbies. That's not to say that these aren't highly fulfilling aspects of our life in their own right but I think when we leave things to chance, weeks turn into months, turn into years turn into panic.

With so many male & female friends currently single, I'm now coming to the realisation that fate really isn't co-operating. Life is full of people who wait. They wait for someone to show interest for fear of being rejected, they wait to be invited and they wait to make a move. They wait until they feel confidence to make a move. Wait, wait, wait for everything. Waiters believe that they are playing it safe but after experience, there are two things come out of waiting - the wrong thing or nothing. I guess, it's like being in business, there is only one way to wait - and that is - do nothing. But there are thousands of ways to create, so the opportunities are endless. So after discussing this possibility with the group of singletons, we've now decided to take a proactive approach & go out and find them!

So, from now on, we set the challenge to the girls to chat to as many men as possible, even if we're not interested. We decided that we needed to cast a wide net when it came to meeting a guy. So often, you see people simply settling. I'd rather remain single any day than settle because of the fear of being single. I suppose too, it comes down to confidence and how you perceive yourself. I asked one of the girls what she was looking for in a man and she gave me a huge list 'confident, charming, successful, charismatic, honest, loyal, caring' etc... Funny, rarely do either sexes place huge emphasis on the physical when looking for a partner. But, when she listed out her high expectations (which we all deserve), I asked her what her qualities were in herself? Sometimes people can be unrealistic with expectations but I think we all have a right to look for high value, particularly if we ourselves are of high value.

So, our tactics have now changed. We've stopped believing that fate will drop the person of our dreams right in front of us. It looks like a fun Summer of dating is ahead.

Are women too domineering?

This week, I had an interesting conversation with a lovely regular lady that comes in to the Rising Tide. We discussed many topics over the course of the evening but one particular subject that I found intriguing was her opinion on why so many women were now single and finding it difficult to find and stay within relationships.

I have often written about the lack of men due to immigration. I have often written about how people prioritise other areas of their lives, for example career, over investing in a relationship. I have dissected people's lack of relationships and came up with many reasons but one reason given to me by this lady, I have never approached or in fact really thought of.  Note of warning, if you are a feminist, this article will not be for you.

The woman I spoke to, is a lady. An old school style glamorous lady, which I admire. She has been happily married for over 40 years, has a brood of children and grandchildren, therefore clearly been successful in love, she has an authority in my opinion to give advice.

As a strong, determined and hardworking career women myself, it most certainly gave me food for thought.

The lady, who we'll call Betty, said that the reason that so many women were now single and finding it difficult to stay within relationships was because women these days are far too domineering. Betty feels that women are now too opinionated, too bossy, too independent and therefore too overpowering and off putting for the male population. She said that women's forthright behaviour was in essence emasculating men and making them feel inadequate. I suppose going back to the tribal feeling of men being the hunters, wether they realise it consciously or subconsciously, they always want to be the hunters and not the hunted. She felt that women had become somewhat disrespectful towards men and there was a power struggle within relationships that was unacceptable.

I have no doubt that many women reading this will have very strong opinions and in particular those with feminist views and believe that what was said is compete nonsense. Whilst, I may not wholeheartedly agree with everything that was said, I do have to say with the in depth conversation that took place, some of what was said made perfect sense to me. I, as a female, am definitely not a feminist and consider the burning bras as rubbish, but then, I'm coming from a place of confidence within myself and my abilities and don't feel the need to justify my place in business or otherwise as a woman. Granted, the women before us had to fight for their rights but I think our current generation are very much empowered and quite frankly, how each person feels, is down to how they allow other people make them feel.

So, with the feminism cast aside, and being a very strong and independent woman, and a leader within the work environment, I certainly don't want to be the leader in the home environment. I want a man who'll take control and make me feel protected and safe. Those who know me will know that I am most certainly not timid nor am I insecure but I think when we are with the people closest to us, only then will you see any little weakness exposed. Of course, in all relationships, during different periods, one partner will have to be stronger than the other during difficult times but in general,  I'm a girly girl and want to wear a little black dress and heels - not the trousers.

Do we walk away too easily from relationships?

On reading a recent document, I was alarmed to find that the number of people divorced has soared by 150% since 2002.

Figures from census 2011 reveal that numbers have jumped from 35,059 in 2002, to 87,770 in 2011. However, Ireland continues to have one of the lowest divorce rates in Europe.

On reflection of this information, I thought back to previous generations, where notably divorce wasn't an option but there most certainly wasn't the same level of marriage break ups. I suppose, marriage breakdown happened within the home and couples chose to stay together for societies sake and lived somewhat independent lives behind closed doors. In some cases, marriage broke down completely and for numerous reasons they opted to remain together. In some cases for financial reasons, in more cases where there were children involved, but the main reason would have been, to save face in the community. Perhaps there was a sense of failure when a relationship didn't work.

In contrast to our current generation, there is absolutely no shame or embarrassment in admitting that a relationship has failed. And when a relationship does break down, there should be no judgement by third parties as nobody can possibly know what happens behind closed doors and within the minds of two people. It is never easy to walk away from a long term relationship, whether a union has occurred or not. Inevitably both will suffer immense pain that does not require scrutiny from others or the third degree for explanations. 

With all that being said, I wonder do we now live in a society where we do walk away a little too easily when the going gets tough? 

With many of my friends married, some recently have admitted that it has crossed their minds on more than one occasion to walk away. The reality of being in a relationship, even with someone that you love deeply, is that, not every day is going to be like the set of a romantic Hollywood movie. I was amazed and touched by their honesty as so often people hide from the truth that everything in life is not perfect. As someone once said to me, 'never fear perfection, you'll never get there'. When I asked one of them why she didn't walk away if at times she felt like going, she said that, 'leaving is the easiest thing in the world to do, finding the strength to fight for the person you love takes far more courage'. 

With life getting busier, more demanding, stressful and with us all living at a faster pace, I think that people have lower tolerance when it comes to dealing with emotional issues. It is as if, once an element of drama appears, there is a quick solvable eject button to quieten the noise. Of course, this can't be said for all break ups but I do think that in some cases, people now walk away from what could have once been an amazing relationship just because they don't want to deal with hassle. People often believe that the grass is greener on the other side, but I think if people just spent more time watering and tending to their patch, they'd have lush fields too. 

Put some testosterone into your tactics

Do you ever feel that you are stuck in a rut in dating? Or even stuck in a rut with your life? We can all from time to time, fall into a Groundhog Day lifestyle where we are aimlessly and mummy like going from day to day and week to week. When this happens, it effects all areas of our life - whether single or dating, being stuck in a rut is detrimental. In particular, it can have serious consequences if single because, we just lose interest and become negative. And that's why girls, we need to change our dating tactics and date like one of the boys. 

Men fantasise about having women hanging off each arm, so they fulfil this fantasy by multi-dating (seeing several girls at once). Men don't go into a relationship thinking "this is the one", instead they think "this is a fun way to spend the evening". For a change of pace, I think we need to follow their examples. Keep expectations low and see different types of men before falling in love.   

Variety is the spice of life and hanging out with a host of hotties will help you in a wealth of ways. Firstly, it'll charge your confidence which means you'll attract a host of even more potential partners and prevent yourself from focusing on just one. For example, if you're sitting waiting on a text from the guy you saw on Friday night, you'll be less likely to come across as desperate, needy and clingy because your mind will be now distracted by the guy from the gym that you're about to go on a date with.

Do try and keep your dating diary simple. Never arrange two dates on the one evening. It'll just lead to complications and confusion, especially after a few glasses of Pinot Grigio if you start telling the accountant how sexy you find his Garda uniform. Also, never take a date to the same bars - again it'll just lead to confusion. If you become a success at the multiple dating, keep a simple little diary of where you went on the date, what you wore (just so you don't show up the following week in the same outfit) and just some brief notes about the date.

Unless you've lied to your dates, there is no need for you to feel bad. Dating was designed to be commitment free. If it wasn't, you'd be boyfriend and girlfriend after the first date. When you're seeing several men, you are simply road testing them to see which one could last long term. When and if they dreaded conversation of "where are we going comes up" you'll have to be honest and admit that you are not exclusive but enjoying the way things are going with that particular guy. If your men don't ask, there is no need to say anything the likelihood is that they're doing the same thing. 

Once you've mastered the art of multi dating, it won't take you long to find the one that fits the bill and make you want to ditch the others. But, once you are exclusively dating - DO NOT RETREAT TO YOUR OLD WAYS. Think back to when you were dating - your time was limited - you had a life - and you weren't needy. So concentrate on having fun - relax, enjoy and see what happens.

Dehydrated Skin Remedies

Like most people, I find that my skin & my hair, very much change with the Seasons. 

In general during the Spring & Summer, my skin would be in the "normal" range - partially due to weather conditions but also due to the fact that inadvertently, I take better care on my skin on my body & face during that time. I definitely engage in a better routine post shower during the fine weather as when I'm wearing a sun dress & flip flops, I'll always lather on plenty of body moisturiser with Summer scents but during the Winter months when putting on opaque tights on a daily basis, that sticky body feeling just doesn't feel as appealing. Not only that but it's just too cold to be prancing around the bedroom in a towel plastering on tubs of moisturiser.

This year however, so far we have not had the luxury of the Summer sun - yet!!! As a result of this, coupled with the side effects of the Prostap injections that I'm currently having for treatment after my operation, my skin is definitely more dehydrated than normal.

Even though, I have a very good daily facial care routine, my GP did warn me that I may find that my skin may feel quite dry - and immediately, this sent off the alarm bells, that dry skin causes premature aging of skin. 

I found this week that my usual products just were not fully satisfying my skin needs so I knew that I needed to try something more hydrating. I also noticed that my make up was just not applying as evenly as normal due to the skin dryness which would be very unusual for my skin type.

With a recent purchase of a Lancôme gift set, there were a few nice samples - and within these samples, was a 15ml little pot of their Hydra Zen masque.

This Hydra Zen masque is actually an overnight serum that you put on overnight to rehydrate the skin. I'm always cautious of the overnight masks as they can be quite sticky and just sit on the surface of the skin rather than soak into the skin. This Lancôme product however is a gem of a treatment. When you put it on the face and neck after your regular evening cleansing routine, it feels lovely and cooling on dry skin and it really does penetrate through the upper layer of the skin overnight. On waking each morning, my skin hasn't had as much tightness and I have definitely felt a difference to my skins hydration. I'm almost finished this sample, and I definitely will be treating myself to a full sized pot of the product as I do feel that it is a super serum for the skin.

Another product which may surprise you that acts as a super hydrator for the skin is plain old Coconut oil from the kitchen cupboard!

Now, I wouldn't use this going to bed as it is oil and I value my bed linen too much, but certainly, it works as a wonderful little mask whilst watching the TV or pottering around the house. 

In fact, not only do I use coconut oil on my face, but it is a wonderful lip hydrator and also a superb hair mask! 

Coconut oil has so many uses rather than just cooking, I would recommend everyone to have a jar in their kitchen.

If you are purchasing though, ensure that you go to a health food shop and purchase one of good quality. Like anything, there are plenty of brands in the supermarket but when it comes to oils or vitamins, I would only ever purchase in the health food store for quality and potency.

So now that I feel I have tackled the area of my skins dryness on my face, next on my list is to find a good eye cream!

Hope you enjoyed reading.

Until next time,

Sandra xxx.

My cleansing routine

One of my favourite parts of my skin care regime is the cleansing process. I just love the squeaky clean feel on my face of a good cleanse to wash the day away.

I wasn't always so thorough with my skin care but I think that when you get into your 30's, you know that you can no longer escape with a facial wipe scraped across the face. We will all age, that's an inevitable factor but with good care & maintenance we can begin a damage limitation process.

Obviously, skin products will only do so much for your skin. You need to feed & nourish your body from the inside out to ensure that you have optimum nutrition so that your hair, skin & nails are vibrant and radiant but you certainly also need to look after your body externally.

The one cleansing routine that I religiously do on a daily basis is cleansing with my Clarisonic. For those of you who haven't seen Clarisonic before, it is a chargeable facial cleansing unit that has a rotating brush head to deeply cleanse your face & neck. Because of the nature of this device, it acts as a superb exfoliator for your face. I use my Clarisonic, every single morning in the shower without fail. When it comes to using a facial cleanser with the Clarisonic, I have tried numerous different facial washes to find a good match. It is vital that the cleanser has the ability to foam well & to remove all excess make up, dirt and any residue from the skin. Effectively, the skin brush head should be perfectly clean once the Clarisonic process has been completed.

For me, the best facial wash cleanser that works with or without the Clarisonic is the Estée Lauder, Perfectly Clean. This cleanser, literally gives the squeaky clean feel from the skin.

Another item in my cleansing routine that I love is the Garnier Micellar cleansing water. This product only costs about €4.50 in Penneys and acts as a superb make up remover for even tough eye make up & liner.

So, with the likes of the Garnier cleansing water, it proves that you don't have to spend a fortune on cleansing products to get good results.

If you don't have a Clarisonic, I would really advise you to invest in a few good, old fashioned face cloths. A face cloth is such a great way to exfoliate your skin and again, achieve the sqeaky clean feel.

Have a great Monday,

Sandra xx.

My Endometriosis Treatment

It has taken me time to eventually get back to write my follow up blog regarding endometriosis. Not because I was busy but quite simply because I was and still am very much suffering post surgery and I am still going through my recovery phase.

I would like to start by saying however, that I was truly overwhelmed by the number of Facebook messages, tweets, emails and phone calls that I received from ladies all over the country to thank me for writing a blog on endometriosis and for bringing this cruel, painful and debilitating condition into the public forum. I was very shocked and very saddened by the number of women that suffer in Ireland on a daily basis with this condition - particularly when I spoke to patients who have advanced levels of the condition and now have very serious health complications as a result.

I will briefly start by explaining what endometriosis is but I have already written an extensive piece on my blog spot that explains my story regarding endometriosis to date. If you have not read the first blog that I wrote, I suggest that you do that now before continuing here - http://sandraisinthecity.blogspot.ie/2016/03/what-is-endometriosis.html?m=1

Endometriosis is a disease in which tissue that normally grows inside the uterus grows outside it. The main symptoms are pelvic pain and infertility. Nearly half of those affected have chronic pain, while in 70% pain occurs in menstruation. Pain during sex is common. Infertility occurs in up to half of women affected. Less common symptoms include urinary or bowel symptoms. About 25% of women have no symptoms. In essence though, it is a very painful condition where the tissue that normally lines the inside of the uterus (endometrial implant), grows outside your uterus.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would - it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to leave your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irrupted, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions - abnormal tissue that binds internal organs together.

It must be noted that the only way that endometriosis can be diagnosed is by having a laparoscopy with a skilled gynaecologist in hospital. A laparoscopy is a medical procedure done under full general anaesthetic whereby in general, 3 incisions are made into the abdomen. Your abdomen is filled with CO2 gas so that it inflates to give the surgeon a very clear view of all of your internal organs and also so that with the extra space, there is ability to move around the organs and to begin treatment if you do have endometriosis and in my personal case, fibroids and cysts. If you are going for an investigative laparoscopy, you can expect to spend 30-40 minutes in theatre but if you are any way advanced with the condition, you can be in theatre up to 3 hours, like my last experience.

This laparoscopy was my 2nd laparoscopy. My first lap, took place in April 2015 in Cork and this one that I had this April was a very different experience. And I mean that in a very positive way.

With sincerity, I did extensive research in sourcing an expert gynaecologist who specialises in endometriosis. I also wanted to ensure that this gynaecologist was an excellent surgeon. But I also wanted a doctor who was "patient centred" and had a primary focus on what was truly best for each patient that sat in front of him.

I can only go on my own personal research and my own personal experience but I was very saddened to find that a consultant fitting that criteria was not to be located in Cork. I guess that, like all professions, they can't be good in every single aspect  - it would be like asking a family law solicitor to represent you in a criminal case - You'll get representation and get the job done - but it might not be to the outcome that you desire.

There is a very personal reason that I went on such a quest to find the perfect surgeon and that was, when I had my first laparoscopy in Cork, as I was waking from the general anaesthetic, I will never forget, the surgeon came in and stood at the end of the bed and said "You're a lucky girl that you still have your ovaries. The endometriosis was very badly stuck to them and I barely saved them for you". To me, it sounded as if he was referring to my tonsils or my appendix. I was obviously quite disoriented at that particular moment in time but I distinctly remember trying to stop the bubbling of tears that so desperately wanted to come. It was the tone and the matter of factness of what was said and all I could think was that - 'within one fell swoop, within 15 seconds, my life could have been changed forever. Any further chance of having a baby would have been removed. Just like that'. These thoughts stayed with me. I didn't talk about them openly as I just felt too sad to actually verbalise what had been said. And I know, things could have been so much worse but I felt my heart break a little that my chance of becoming of Mum may never come to fruition if I ever do decide that I would like a baby.

For those of you that know me, you'll know I'm definitely no Mary Poppins, and am fiercely independent and career driven - but maybe someday, I will change my ways. But all I know is that I don't want that choice removed from me without thorough and valid medical consideration.

In fact, a funny side story relating to having a baby is that when I had my consultation with the expert gynaecologist, Prof. Ray O' Sullivan, he asked the usual questions, one being -
"So Sandra, have you children?"
Me "No Doctor"
"Ok, is this by choice or it just hasn't happened?'
Me "(sigh) It just hasn't happen *shrugged shoulders with surprised look*
"So you're having fertility issues then?
Me (exasperated) "No doctor, I haven't found a man to have a baby with just yet! Jeepers Doc"
*Cue howling laughing*

So after combing the country from top to bottom, I found the surgeon that I had been looking for, in Kilkenny. When doing research I got about 8 testimonials from previous patients of his, and all had only positive feedback and successful feedback so I went and made my appointment.

I was seen in his private rooms within a few weeks of calling his office and he scheduled a date for a laparoscopy for May 2016. Due to complications and bleeding in my bowel, I had to have emergency surgery with Prof O' Sullivan on Monday 11th April 2015.

On the day of surgery, I was terrified. 

I have to say, that the full team at Aut Even Kilkenny are very skilled in patient care and I was made to feel as comfortable as possible for the situation that I was in. I was dreading the general anaesthetic as I never react well on waking and always suffer horrendous side effects which include, fainting and vomiting.
The anaesethetist that was looking after me was so kind and assured me that by proper management of each patient, that no patient should suffer such awful post operative side affects - and he was not lying. He administered extra anti nausea medication whilst I slept and when I woke, I was not half as unwell as I usually would be.
I was equally terrified of being put to sleep but with the very kind anaesthetist that was looking after me and the wonderful theatre nurses who kept me calm and kept assuring me that I would not die mid way through the operation, I did relax. I relaxed to the point until I heard "now we're putting in the propanol" and then I yelped "isn't that what Michael Jackson used?'.....but almost instantaneously, I was asleep.

(Sweet treats to thank to hospital team)

Of course, after waking I was in a lot of pain and discomfort but the medical team kept a very close eye and kept the pain at a level that was bearable. Prof Ray O' Sullivan then came to see me and even his presence reassured me that my operation had been successful and that I was safe. He did say that the endometriosis and fibroids were very extensive but he got them all. He excised and treated everything that needed to be treated and that once I recover (which will be a few weeks), I will be a different woman. I will have energy, be pain free and my immune system won't be as compromised due to the fact that I won't be fighting the daily pain of endometriosis.

I stayed in hospital for pain management for a few days and then came home to recuperate. I will not lie - the pain is excruciating. The tiredness is equally difficult. Unfortunately for me, I came down with a post surgery infection which I am still trying to battle. This infection is definitely increasing the pain and the tiredness but hopefully, within the next few days, I will be brighter and back to myself.

Once my infection has been cleared, I will then begin a course of treatment for 3 months in the form of injections to "mop up" any remaining endometriosis. Unfortunately, endometriosis is an autoimmune condition that will last for life. It has no cure and can only be managed. I hope that once I have the injections that I will have relief for maybe the next 5 years.

So, for now, I'm excited about getting better and excited about a pain free Summer ahead. I am definitely planning a return trip to Kilkenny very soon to explore the beautiful city but I'll be most likely located in Mount Juliet as opposed to Aut Even, and my choice of pain relief will be Prosecco instead of pethidine.

Since I have been to see Dr. O' Sullivan, I have also sent friends who are just thrilled. I will not talk about individual cases but all I will say he is Dr. O' Sullivan has given them hope. Hope that had been removed from them by any previous gynaecologists that they saw.

Like always, I am not a medical doctor and not in a position to give medical advice with regards to endometriosis and I am only writing about my own personal journey.

If you would like to contact Prof. Ray O Sullivan, you can locate him here http://www.womenshealth.ie/ and appointments can be made for his private rooms. I think that he also runs a public list in St Luke's Kilkenny. 

https://www.facebook.com/Womens-Health-Group-163639080378636/

I do hope you have enjoyed reading.

Sandra xxx.