Are we designed to be monogamous?
While out walking with the girls this week, one of the topics we discussed was whether or not monogamous relationships were something of the past. The conversation surrounded the topic of whether or not we considered it realistic to have one life long partner or would we think it an unrealistic dream - or something that we didn't actually want.
I suppose in my own experience when I look back at all of the different guys that I have dated, they are all very different. All of them came along at different stages in my life and different phases. I have changed quite significantly as an individual over the years, but then, haven't we all?
When I look back at the different men, I struggle to believe that any of them would be compatible with me right now and where I am as a person. Physically, we would have changed quite drastically in 12 years so even if the personalities remained compatible - would there be mutual attraction?
I suppose, this is why I would be somewhat sceptical of meeting a partner at a young age and remaining with them for life. I, as a person, would have a significantly different personality from that of my 18 year old self. My core values and morals would be the same but I as an individual have evolved and matured. Therefore, some things that I might have enjoyed and found interesting in my 20's, I no longer value. Likewise with the past men that I dated - I have outgrown some of their personalities.
When I thought deeper about the possibility of it not being realistic to meet a partner for life at a young age - my attention was brought to my girlfriends.
I have some friends that have been in my life since I was 4 years old. We grew up together. Went through all major life milestones together to date and even though we don't live close to each other anymore, when we do talk, it is like we have never been apart. So, even though we are in each other's lives since we were very small children, we have grown up together and rather than growing apart, we just grew up comfortably and happily together, our friendship remaining as strong as ever. I am sure that we have all got life long friends like that, where rather than a friendship growing apart, you just grow closer together.
Some other of my friends from school days have then just simply, drifted apart. We outgrew each other. We no longer had the same interests and no desire to remain in a solid friendship and therefore rather than any big dramatic break up, we simply stopped meeting up. There are also my relatively new group of friends - or those relationships that developed within my adult life. Those friendships would be just as close emotionally and mentally as the life long friend, even though the longevity wouldn't be there. I suppose, they are quality over quantity somewhat.
So ultimately, men are just like our girlfriends in our life. In a lifetime, I truly believe that if you have 4 friends, you are a very lucky individual. Everyone else you meet, is an acquaintance along the way. Some people meet the man of their dream early in life and they grow up together. More of us are meeting acquaintances while we wait for our male best friend and partner to arrive. Or maybe, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw "our girlfriends are our soul mates and men are people to have the fun with".
Friday 5 December 2014
Monday 1 December 2014
Are we over sharing?
Are you over sharing?
We've all had those conversations with our girlfriends.... You know the ones that start with "OMG you won't belief what (insert boys name here) did....!". But whilst you think divulging your biggest relationship secret is helping you deal with minor problems, you could actually be causing bigger ones.
Chatting about boys and sharing relationship problems with your friends is what us girls do. It's part of our DNA. Get a group of girls together and it s a pretty sure thing that within 10 minutes, a boy and something 'unbelievable' or 'unfathomable' that he's done will be the chat topic.
There are definitely positives to sharing. It can help you see things from another perspective and it can help get rid of that stress from holding it all inside and driving yourself crazy from playing a chat over and over on your head and trying to work out why it (that last message/his decision to go out with his mates instead of you) happened or what it means. But don't be fooled that the good outweighs the bad when it comes to over-sharing. Discussing everything about everything can cause some serious downfalls. You need to be careful what you say and how you say it, otherwise you could find yourself in a situation where your bestie hates your guy and refuses to go out if he's going - all because after a chat with him you decided to forgive him for having lunch with that flirty girl from his office, while she still thinks he's a complete moron for doing it. And if you forgive that guy who got a bit carried away on a lads night out and got friendly with a girl, will your mum be so understanding? Unlikely. She'll probably hate him forever. Of course you need to share your life with your friends, otherwise it wouldn't be much of a friendship. But when it comes to relationships, there are something's you should never share. Here's why.....
They may hate him - there will be times when you'll just want to rant and vent because your guy is being annoying or spending too much time with his mates and none with you. But when you start going into specifics you're playing a dangerous game. Your family and friends only want the best for you, so if your guy starts to look or sound bad, they will start to dislike him.
They will NEVER forgive a cheater - if some,one cheats on you and you bin them, go wild. Tell ALL of your friends of now much a scumbag he is. But if you're working it out, NEVER tell your friends that he misbehaved. You may forgive him because you love him, but your friends love you, so they never will.
They'll get bored - your boyfriend didn't send the text "Hey listen, sorry about earlier....can we chat tonight?" to Mary Jane and Sabrina, so do they really need to see it? NO! Keep all mails and messages away from the eyes of your friends. Well away. They'll probably get bored and by default begin to hate him.
They won't be able to help with the big stuff - complaining about your guy to your friends is a bit like going home to stay with your parents once you've moved out. It's fine with small amounts but too much can be bad. If you keep telling about daily bickering your friends will eventually just wonder why you don't dump the jerk and move on.
We've all had those conversations with our girlfriends.... You know the ones that start with "OMG you won't belief what (insert boys name here) did....!". But whilst you think divulging your biggest relationship secret is helping you deal with minor problems, you could actually be causing bigger ones.
Chatting about boys and sharing relationship problems with your friends is what us girls do. It's part of our DNA. Get a group of girls together and it s a pretty sure thing that within 10 minutes, a boy and something 'unbelievable' or 'unfathomable' that he's done will be the chat topic.
There are definitely positives to sharing. It can help you see things from another perspective and it can help get rid of that stress from holding it all inside and driving yourself crazy from playing a chat over and over on your head and trying to work out why it (that last message/his decision to go out with his mates instead of you) happened or what it means. But don't be fooled that the good outweighs the bad when it comes to over-sharing. Discussing everything about everything can cause some serious downfalls. You need to be careful what you say and how you say it, otherwise you could find yourself in a situation where your bestie hates your guy and refuses to go out if he's going - all because after a chat with him you decided to forgive him for having lunch with that flirty girl from his office, while she still thinks he's a complete moron for doing it. And if you forgive that guy who got a bit carried away on a lads night out and got friendly with a girl, will your mum be so understanding? Unlikely. She'll probably hate him forever. Of course you need to share your life with your friends, otherwise it wouldn't be much of a friendship. But when it comes to relationships, there are something's you should never share. Here's why.....
They may hate him - there will be times when you'll just want to rant and vent because your guy is being annoying or spending too much time with his mates and none with you. But when you start going into specifics you're playing a dangerous game. Your family and friends only want the best for you, so if your guy starts to look or sound bad, they will start to dislike him.
They will NEVER forgive a cheater - if some,one cheats on you and you bin them, go wild. Tell ALL of your friends of now much a scumbag he is. But if you're working it out, NEVER tell your friends that he misbehaved. You may forgive him because you love him, but your friends love you, so they never will.
They'll get bored - your boyfriend didn't send the text "Hey listen, sorry about earlier....can we chat tonight?" to Mary Jane and Sabrina, so do they really need to see it? NO! Keep all mails and messages away from the eyes of your friends. Well away. They'll probably get bored and by default begin to hate him.
They won't be able to help with the big stuff - complaining about your guy to your friends is a bit like going home to stay with your parents once you've moved out. It's fine with small amounts but too much can be bad. If you keep telling about daily bickering your friends will eventually just wonder why you don't dump the jerk and move on.
Friday 7 November 2014
Tips for Successful Dating
Simple Tips for Successful Dating
During the first few weeks of dating someone new, it can be a precious time but it is also a time when you are guiding yourself into unknown territory. I'm a firm advocate of zero game playing. I don't believe that 'you should wait 8 hours before responding to a message from him', I don't believe that you should 'turn him down twice for a date to make him more interested in you', while you attempt to appear more elusive. I mean why would you want to be sitting at home in your PJ's when you could be out with a hot man having fun - it you want to go on the date, go on the date. Dating has changed because we are far more accessible now than ever before, which is a good thing, but equally a negative in some situations.
The problem is that it can be so exciting at the start of dating, that we can stumble into the same holes as in the past. So whilst, I do not agree or believe in "The Rules" in the strictest sense, I do think that there are a few tips that we can all follow for happier and ultimately more successful dating.
-Don't act like a needy person. In fact, until you're in a solid relationship, try to hide any neediness almost entirely. If he doesn't respond to a text message, do not follow up with a tweet, followed by a messenger on Facebook, topped off with a whatsapp. What did you do before this guy arrived on the scene? You were independent, happy and had no problem filling your time. Most likely, this is what he fell for, so don't change into a clinging leech. Also, no matter how fabulous an idea it may seem at the time - DO NOT TEXT WHILE DRUNK during the early stages. A drunken message is like an Exocet missile that can't be disarmed.
-Don't be negative. This means you shouldn't criticise the loud/poorly dressed/gauche people on the other side of the bar from you. Don't complain that your New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc hasn't enough hints of gooseberries, or that your salad would've been a lot more delightful if they'd only added a splash of Holy Water from Knock on it. Don't complain about your job. Or your family. Or that one really toxic friend of yours. If you need to vent about any of these things--wait till you're sitting with an old pal. A big part of the reason we're attracted to people is because we think they are going to make our lives happier--and the more negative you are, the less likely it is that a guy will think you'll bring some sunshine to his existence.
-Always keep this idea in the forefront of your mind: You are not trying to find out if the person you are flirting with or dating accepts YOU. You are trying to figure out if YOU accept HIM. Does he have qualities that you value? Does he make you feel good? Does he treat you the way you want to be treated?
-Remember that most guys like to pursue. So, while you may be the one initiating contact ... let him do the work after you've met. Let him call you for dates, write the follow-up emails, and plan for the future. Of course, you want to make it clear that you enjoy his company and want to be with him--but keep him guessing about just how much you really like him until you feel comfortable with the fact that he's totally into you.
-Have fun and be playful. Think about how fabulous it is when someone makes a little joke, says something out of the ordinary, or simply engages in a spontaneous act of fun. We all like to smile and (even better) to laugh. When you're flirting, approach strangers with the attitude that if nothing else happens, at least you're going to have fun--and you'll always come out a winner.
During the first few weeks of dating someone new, it can be a precious time but it is also a time when you are guiding yourself into unknown territory. I'm a firm advocate of zero game playing. I don't believe that 'you should wait 8 hours before responding to a message from him', I don't believe that you should 'turn him down twice for a date to make him more interested in you', while you attempt to appear more elusive. I mean why would you want to be sitting at home in your PJ's when you could be out with a hot man having fun - it you want to go on the date, go on the date. Dating has changed because we are far more accessible now than ever before, which is a good thing, but equally a negative in some situations.
The problem is that it can be so exciting at the start of dating, that we can stumble into the same holes as in the past. So whilst, I do not agree or believe in "The Rules" in the strictest sense, I do think that there are a few tips that we can all follow for happier and ultimately more successful dating.
-Don't act like a needy person. In fact, until you're in a solid relationship, try to hide any neediness almost entirely. If he doesn't respond to a text message, do not follow up with a tweet, followed by a messenger on Facebook, topped off with a whatsapp. What did you do before this guy arrived on the scene? You were independent, happy and had no problem filling your time. Most likely, this is what he fell for, so don't change into a clinging leech. Also, no matter how fabulous an idea it may seem at the time - DO NOT TEXT WHILE DRUNK during the early stages. A drunken message is like an Exocet missile that can't be disarmed.
-Don't be negative. This means you shouldn't criticise the loud/poorly dressed/gauche people on the other side of the bar from you. Don't complain that your New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc hasn't enough hints of gooseberries, or that your salad would've been a lot more delightful if they'd only added a splash of Holy Water from Knock on it. Don't complain about your job. Or your family. Or that one really toxic friend of yours. If you need to vent about any of these things--wait till you're sitting with an old pal. A big part of the reason we're attracted to people is because we think they are going to make our lives happier--and the more negative you are, the less likely it is that a guy will think you'll bring some sunshine to his existence.
-Always keep this idea in the forefront of your mind: You are not trying to find out if the person you are flirting with or dating accepts YOU. You are trying to figure out if YOU accept HIM. Does he have qualities that you value? Does he make you feel good? Does he treat you the way you want to be treated?
-Remember that most guys like to pursue. So, while you may be the one initiating contact ... let him do the work after you've met. Let him call you for dates, write the follow-up emails, and plan for the future. Of course, you want to make it clear that you enjoy his company and want to be with him--but keep him guessing about just how much you really like him until you feel comfortable with the fact that he's totally into you.
-Have fun and be playful. Think about how fabulous it is when someone makes a little joke, says something out of the ordinary, or simply engages in a spontaneous act of fun. We all like to smile and (even better) to laugh. When you're flirting, approach strangers with the attitude that if nothing else happens, at least you're going to have fun--and you'll always come out a winner.
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